Michael Moore: A Love Story

Two types of people should not watch Capitalism: A Love Story: (1) those who get hot under the collar whenver they hear an opinion expressed from the Left (for Michael Moore will truly melt them down); and (2) those who uncritically believe everything they see (for they could finish watching C:ALS dumber than when they started—Moore spouts a fair bit of nonsense). Okay, maybe there's a third type: (3) those put off by big fat slobs (because that describes Moore pretty closely, and I sort of love him for that). Everybody else should check out the documentary; it's eye-opening a lot of fun.

Which is not to say that it's anywhere near a perfect film. You get a smorgasbord of critiques of the way our economy works, some of which are on-the-nose and some of which are, WTF? I can imagine writing Notes to Michael as I watch the picture, like some priggish Hollywood suit.

A recurring thread in the film is the story of the eviction of a blue-collar family from their home. It's pretty infuriating to see a group of sheriff's deputies pry open a house's locked door and force the residents to leave.

Note #1: Michael, I would love to have seen an explanation of how banks set interest rates on their loans, and how much leeway the regulators give them. It seems like they can charge pretty much whatever they want—whatever the market will bear, until the market collapses. Borrowing money while ceding the lender control over interest rates is tantamount to giving away everything you own. Is the Mafia still in business? I can't imagine a mobster nowadays who's scarier than your average bank or credit card company. Okay, this probably is getting boring; I realize you don't want to lose your audience with too many facts. Hey, I'm still watching!

Note #2: those deputies. How about a fantasy sequence where deputies show up at a telemarketing operation and stand over the callers, making sure they aren't using any underhanded sales tactics? Or maybe the deputies go out on the floor of Congress and monitor the speeches for honesty. It's not fair that the guy with the crowbar only shows up at the common man's house. Just a thought.

There's also a section on "dead peasant" insurance, where companies take out insurance policies on their employees' lives. In general, this is a hideous practice. The only logic I can see supporting it is of the "completion bond" variety. (I don't know if that's the right terminology. I'm referring to the insurance a movie producer takes out on the stars during production, since losing the star would be financially disastrous.) But C:ALS documents companies making a killing (if you'll pardon the expression) far out of proportion to the loss they suffer when an employee dies.

Note #3: How does this really work? I mean, insurance companies aren't stupid. If employers are making money with "dead peasant" policies, then the insurance companies must be losing. Is it that the employers know more about their workers' risky lifestyles than the insurance companies do? Or is "dead peasant" insurance just a crapshoot? You do give some examples of companies whose investments in their workers' imminent deaths aren't producing the expected profit.

The film uses Wallace Shawn as an expert on capitalism.

Note #4: Really? Actor and playwright Wallace Shawn? You know what I think? I love it! The guy is both brilliant and down-to-earth. (Anyone who doesn't know this should go out and rent My Dinner with Andre, which is simply a dinner conversation between Shawn and theater director Andre Gregory. Great film, and it demonstrates Shawn's intelligence and rootedness.) Great call!

Then there's the talk about free markets.

Note #5: Michael, this is where you missed the chance to distinguish between free markets and capitalism. Most of us know about the free market. You have various people manufacturing interchangeable products called widgets, and the free market forces these people to compete and offer the public the best price they can. But the first rule for any entrepreneur worth her salt is this: Get away from the free market as soon as you can! Find a niche where no one else is producing a product like yours! Buy out your competitors and form a monopoly! Spend campaign and lobbying dollars to get the legislature to pass laws that favor you and erect barriers to everyone else! The absence of a truly free market is the dominant feature of our capitalist economy.

One of Moore's big themes is capitalism vs. democracy. He asks a museum guard to point out where the Constitution talks about capitalism. Of course there's no such clause. But here is where the documentary is unbalanced. Any sensible expert on the Constitution could explain the protection our form of government gives to the businessman and the property owner. It's not either/or.

Moore uses a couple of corrupt judges as exhibits against capitalism. The judges were bribed by a contractor who provided juvenile detention to send young offenders to their facilities. Sometimes the judges imposed sentences far longer than the prosecutors asked for. The story is truly outrageous, but the judges did eventually go to prison.

Note #6: For this anecdote, I would shift the focus just a little. Privatization is one of the Republican Party's holy words that deserves to be 99% annihilated. Practice has shown that privatization consists of for-profit entities doing government work at higher cost and lower efficiency in order to funnel taxpayer money into the pockets of Republican friends and the campaign treasuries of Republican candidates.

Then there are the stunts. (Sigh.) I am truly tired of scenes of Moore confronting a security guard with his intention to make a citizen's arrest of a corporate honcho, or his empty bags to be filled with money stolen by a corporation. I get it, but the confrontations are a little sad; the security guard probably lunches on bologna or PB&J. It would be cool to see a guard say, "Michael Moore! I love your films, but you can't come in here; our corporate officers don't want to see you." But probably that will never happen, and the security guard harrassment just looks like bullying ... because that's what it is. And yeah, the corporate officers could spare their guards the humiliation by agreeing to an interview. But you shouldn't beat up on the working man just because some scummy CEO hides behind company security. Whoops, I probably should have called that Note #7.

(And I do think back to a previous documentary, where Moore is invited to interview an infirm Charlton Heston and bullies the old man. It's an unpleasant thing to watch, but in retrospect, considering Heston's long affiliation with the NRA—one of our nation's all-time bullies—maybe the old guy had it coming.)

I really intended to be more critical of this documentary than I have ended up being. Stacked up against the absurdities we get from Republicans every day, Moore's distortions often don't seem much more than white lies. My standards have been beaten down by the level of everyday political discourse.

Michael Moore, you lousy bastard: Um, when is your next movie coming out?